While laying on the couch a couple weeks ago I wanted to know why I have been so frustrated this surgery, more so than the previous ones. I needed to figure out what my issue really was. I am the most unemotional woman I know. I do not cry, like ever. Someone has to die for me to cry. As soon as I woke up from surgery in the recovery bay at the hospital, I laid there in excruciating pain and cried for over 4 hours straight. The Dr's and nurses were unable to get my pain under control and my blood pressure was going crazy from the pain so they had to admit me to the hospital. Once home from the hospital, I lost count of how many times I broke down in tears. I was in tears constantly. Obviously, the pain was significantly greater this time around and I had a severe allergic reaction to the adhesive they covered my incision with. Because a member of the surgical team was negligent and ignored my allergy warning, I now have a massive rash over and around my incision. Blisters formed over my incision. It felt like hundreds of bugs were crawling over my leg 24/7 and I was completely unable to itch it because of how fragile the incision was. I went through 3 boxes of Benadryl in 1 week. I was in excruciating pain, I had the worst rash of my life which made me feel completely miserable and I was so frustrated with my physical restrictions.
Previously, when I have had surgery either my children were not born yet or, my youngest was a tiny baby who was easy to contain and so content to snuggle with me in bed all day. Now, she is running around getting into everything and cannot sit still unless she is restrained in her highchair for a meal. She is currently in the stage of intentionally provoking her older brother who is 4 into an argument, she intentionally steals his toys and runs away which is just asking for a fight or, she is climbing like a monkey on every surface she can get her beautiful hands on. My daughter is 2 and is the most amazing miracle from God and even though she is such a feisty firecracker, I love her spunk and passion for life.
Being a stay at home Mama is my passion, my calling in life and I LOVE taking care of my family. When I boiled it all down, I realized the reason I have been so frustrated and emotional is because I am unable to take care of my family. I am dependent on others for help. My kids have learned over the last 6 weeks that I cannot do anything for them except offer hugs and kisses so they go ask someone else to help them, not me. I want to be the primary care giver to my family but I cannot be that person right now and it breaks my heart. Hence all the emotions and tears.
I have had to miss out on some really fun family outings because it is not safe for me to leave the house so I stay on the couch while the family goes out. I give kisses, hugs and wave 'bye-bye' while blowing more kisses and then, I am all alone. It was in those moments where my emotions would take over. I quickly realized that while the family was gone, it was imperative that I make myself read my Bible and my Bible study books so that my negative thoughts could not take over and bring me down.
We all have fallen prey to those negative thoughts at one point in our lives. These negative thoughts are from our enemy, Satan. Here are some of the lies that he was feeding my mind:
- You are so broken and disabled, you will never get better.
- This is going to be your life. You will always be in pain.
- Your family does not need you. See, they are doing just fine without you.
- What kind of an impact do you think YOU can make from the couch in pain.
- No one cares about you, you are just an inconvenience to your family and friends.
- You are so boring and have nothing to offer to anyone.
- Your kids will grow to despise you because you are always in pain.
Praise God that I knew those thoughts were from Satan. Praise God that I did not believe those lies. Regardless if I live in pain the rest of my life, I do not have to be a slave to my fears. I am a daughter of the King, and my Father will provide the courage and strength to face each painful day, one at a time. God has surrounded me with such a loving husband, 2 ridiculously amazing kiddos, parents, 2 sisters, my entire in-law family and a massive army of friends who love God and ME!
It is so easy when life is hard to think that you are alone and no one really cares about you. My friend, that is a lie from the pit of hell. God is absolutely crazy about you and He alone is all we need. He can provide the love and acceptance we crave.
If you have made God the King of your life, acknowledged that Jesus lived a sinless life, was crucified, died and then rose from the dead 3 days later, YOU are a child of God! You are an heir to Gods Kingdom! Let the gravity of that truth sink in. When we truly understand what God has done, what His grace has done for us and that we belong to Him, it will change your life, your mood and every facet of your life. Ain't nobody got time for Satan's lies when we are a child of God.
I am slowly getting better, slowly learning to walk again and each day, I can do something that I was not able to do the day before. No matter if you are in a recovery period like me or struggling with depression, relationship issues or financial issues, please know, God is always with you. We are never alone! When Satan tries to condemn you, just remember, he is feeding you lies because he hates the children of God.
- John 10:10 Jesus said, "The thief's (Satan) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My (Jesus) purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."
- 1 Peter 5:8 "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."
God is always good! He can be trusted and will never ever leave you because He is crazy in love with YOU! Open your Bible, spend some time reading about what He has done for you and I promise, He will reveal Himself to you and you will never be the same. When I am feeling down and frustrated with my circumstances, that is the biggest red flag that I am desperately in need of quiet time with my God. Don't continue on in life feeling defeated and believing the lies from Satan. Turn to God and search for His truth! Gods truth is all that matters.