When my husband Clayton and I decided to start a family, we had no idea that God was going to walk us through several years of infertility and many dark days after each miscarriage. But, before the dark days began, we had many, many happy ones! God so graciously blessed us with a son in 2010 and I had a normal, healthy pregnancy. As soon as our son turned 1, we started trying for a second baby, because it had taken us almost a year to get pregnant with him.
It was at this point that my miscarriage season began and I had 3 miscarriages, back to back.
As soon as my miscarriage season began, my relationship with God changed in every way possible. With every positive pregnancy test I had, I would hit my knees praying (more like begging) that God would allow us to keep the baby. And each time I lost another baby, I would lay on my bed sobbing for God. As I cried out to God, I would beg for Him to bring me His peace and hope, as I laid in bed during those extremely dark days.
As soon as my body would pass the baby, a 15 - 19 day migraine would set in. A migraine that kept me hiding in a dark room, unable to do anything because the pain was so bad. During those miserably dark days, God did not leave me all alone, He was with me for every single moment of those days.
I submerged myself in the Bible, completely saturating myself in His Words. Because I was crying out to God in a way I had never done before, He was answering me in ways I had never before experienced. Now, I never audibly heard His voice, but I could hear His voice internally. There is NO denying that!
After my third miscarriage, Clayton and I were referred to one of the best Fertility specialists in the OKC area. I am not a quitter, but my fear of losing another baby was so paralyzing, that I was ready to throw the towel in. I was terrified that trying to get pregnant again would be setting myself up to experience another traumatic loss and I didn't know if I could endure losing another baby. After 3 miscarriages, I genuinely didn't think I was strong enough to endure a fourth.
Rather than just saying NO, I took a quite a bit of time praying about our next step. I prayed for God to give me courage to try for another baby. On the other hand, I sincerely felt like I was letting Clayton down, by allowing my fears to dictate my willingness to try for another baby. The more time I spent with God, the clearer His instructions became to me. God was asking me to have courage and make an appointment with the fertility specialist. Ultimately, He wanted me to trust in Him, because He is the God of miracles.
After our first fertility appointment, I endured multiple tests, all of which were uncomfortable and painful. We waited a little over a week and then went back for all the test results. We went into the Doctors conference room, where we sat down and I nervously tried to prepare myself for the news we would be receiving. As soon as the Doctor entered the room, he sat down next to me and then quite frankly told me that I would be unable to conceive a second child. Just like that, no easing into this news, he just blurted it out with no compassion or tenderness.
Nothing could really prepare you for news like that. I actually tried before that particular appointment, to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, because that is what I do. I always try and prep myself with the worst possible outcome, so in case it does happen, I am not surprised. So, when I actually did hear the devastating diagnosis "unable to conceive," I was speechless while feeling a sense of devastation I had never felt before. I rushed out of that conference room as quickly as I could. Once I got to my car, I strapped my son into his car seat and then had an emotional meltdown in the parking lot.
It felt like someone had punched me in my stomach and knocked the wind right out of me, leaving me unable to breathe. I can still feel those hot tears as they poured down my face. I sat in my car rocking back and forth, telling myself, "breathe, just breathe" over and over as this devastation sank farther and farther into my heart. As I sat there, I could feel a part of my heart slipping away, while that tiny sliver of hope I had at the beginning, was now smashed into a million pieces.
Once my breathing was under control, I turned my radio to K-Love and then began sobbing, while pouring my heart out to God. I was so confused. Why did He ask me to trust Him and go through all those fertility tests and appointments, just to have my heart completely crushed? As I sat in my car, I asked God to help me trust Him and to overwhelm me with His peace and comfort.
Over the next week, I continued to pour my heart out to God. I surrounded myself with worship music and spent hours in the Bible. During that emotional week, God continued to ask me to trust Him and was firmly nudging me to call my fertility Doctor, to ask that he help us try one more time for a baby. This request sounded absolutely crazy to me, considering all the details that went along with my particular diagnosis. It also sounded completely crazy to my fertility Doctor!
I went ahead and made another appointment with my Doctor and as I sat in the exam room, we talked openly about what I was asking. I explained to him that I felt like we needed to try one more time, before we officially gave up. Of course, he made it crystal clear that this was such a long shot and it would not end with happy tears. But, he reluctantly agreed with one condition. I had to promise him that I would not put the blame on him if I lost another baby to miscarriage. I agreed to his terms and while we were shaking hands on the promise, he looked me squarely in my eyes and promised that he would do everything and anything he could think of, to increase my chances of a successful pregnancy.
To be continued.... I will be sharing more of my infertility/miscarriage story over the next few weeks.
If you are currently in a season of miscarriage and/or infertility, please know that you can trust God with your heart. Give Him the pain and heartache in your life, He can handle it! He is so good, especially when we do not understand why we have to experience heartache and loss.
Download my free miscarriage reading plan, "Walking through miscarriage with God" on the Bible App (its completely free)!
Walking Through Miscarriage With God - Losing a child through miscarriage is devastating and lonely. All the excitement and joy you once had for the precious life inside of you is now instantly gone. It is crucial that these emotions are handled carefully and intentionally. No matter how long its been since your miscarriage, there is comfort and healing to be found when walking with God. Only God can give the peace and comfort needed in miscarriage.
You are NOT alone as you walk through your own difficult season. God's peace is available to you and I can promise you, nothing will ever compare to the peace God gives to us when we are hurting and grieving. We simply have to ask for it!
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