14 Years of Marriage Has Changed My Idea of "Romantic"

January 4th is a special day in my world. The day that I said, "I do" to my man, Clayton.

14 years ago today, I stood on my Dad's arm, waiting for the doors to open for me to walk down the aisle to Clayton.  Right before the wedding march began, my Dad asked me if I was nervous. I smiled and said, "Nope!"
 
I honestly was not nervous about walking down the aisle to be married. The thought of, "til death do we part" was not scary to me, it was exciting. I was a few feet away from beginning the chapter of my life that was handwritten by God. I was marrying the man God crafted for me and me alone. That was not scary- it was amazing and exciting!

From the moment Clayton and I started "talking" way back in the day, I always knew he was the one I wanted to marry.  I knew it when he was flirting with another girl at our college and I made it pretty clear when I had enough of that! So, I did something I had never done before. I took the lead and made my intentions for him blazingly obvious while we were out to eat with a group of friends. What I did was pretty risky and so completely out of the norm for me, that he raised his eye brows, looked across the table at me with a shocked expression and then erupted with a big ol' grin, just for me. Keep in mind, the other girl was sitting right next to him at the table. My heart was pounding, but I knew it was my time to man up and get the job done, before I lost my chance.  Good news is, it worked! Fast forward 2.5 years and I was standing in a fluffy white dress next to my Dad.

I wish I could go back to the bride standing behind the closed doors, waiting for the wedding march to start and tell her a couple things about the journey she was beginning with her man.  The number one thing I would tell her is this; pray for your man every single day, even when you don't want to.  DO IT! Your man needs your prayers more than you will ever understand.  Second, your idea of romance will soon change. Embrace it!

In the beginning, being romantic is easy.  Jewelry, gifts, designer purses and fancy dinners are romantic and fun, but they are not the pinnacle of romance.

                     Self-Sacrifice is the most romantic thing your spouse could ever do!

Over the past 14 years of marriage, Clayton has done some pretty outstanding, romantic things. But honestly, the most romantic thing he has ever done was this past November, when we were leaving Haiti.  Our 2 week bonding trip with our 3 sons had come to an end and after we hugged and kissed our 3 #littlemenmeyer goodbye, we walked back to the room we were staying in and just held each other and sobbed. That moment remains the most romantic moment ever.  My man had obeyed God's leading our family to these 3 older boys (17,13 & 11) in Haiti, even when family and friends advised us not to do it. Clayton said YES, and because of that, we had just had the most amazing 2 weeks of my entire life, getting to know our 3 new sons.  His obedience showed me a new meaning of romance, a self-sacrifice that I had never before seen.  Clayton was willing to give up a lot, in order to follow God's leading to our sons.  As we stood there in that room, hugging each other and sobbing, both our hearts were now broken for God in a fresh way.  Leaving our 3 sons caused our hearts to break together in a way we have never experienced, and it was very emotional and sad, but very beautiful too.

Over the past 14 years, we have walked hand in hand through 6 miscarriages, infertility, the birth of 2 healthy babies, 2 job losses, my 10 foot/leg surgeries due to 11 years of chronic nerve pain, a 39 month adoption journey (that is not over yet) and now we've crossed an ocean to meet our 3 new sons.

As I think back to that conversation with my Dad, I would still answer my Dad the exact same way. What I said then is still true today: I am not nervous about my future with Clayton, I am dog-gone excited and I trust God with our future.

Adopting Haitian Brothers: EXCITING Adoption Update!

Check out our exciting adoption update. We would be so grateful if you would share our adoption journey on social media with your followers.

Adopting Haitian Brothers: Exciting Adoption Update!: After 13 months of virtually silence, we received an incredibly exciting phone call today from our adoption agency. The IBESR in Haiti has...

How I walked through multiple miscarriages and infertility with God. (Part 2)

Part 2.

After my fertility Doctor and I shook hands, I went home and waited for ovulation to begin in 2 weeks...

Low and behold, 3 weeks later I just knew I was pregnant. I knew within days of conception, which is kinda odd and probably hard to believe, but I promise you, I KNEW!  I went to Target and bought several home pregnancy tests, but each test I did said negative. So, I would buy another test and wait for the next morning so I could take another test. This insanity continued for 6 days. I was driving Clayton nuts each time I would ask him to look and see if he saw the tiniest hint of a second line on the pee stick.. Neither of us could see a second line on any of the tests, all 6 tests were negative.

It was July 6th, and I had just put our son to bed and I was standing in our office just complaining to Clayton that I just KNEW I was pregnant but all the tests continued to say negative... He just looked at me kinda like the dude from the Youtube video (Its not about the nail) and I told him to stop it, because I KNEW I was pregnant. He continued to look at me like that dude... (hilarious video if you haven't seen it yet.)

I then marched off to the bathroom and on the way there, God said to me, "Dude, check the trashcan." So I did. I pulled out every single negative pee stick, all 6 of them and laid them out on the counter on a towel. My eyes bugged out of my head and I went absolutely nuts. Every single test had changed to positive! All 6 tests were positive. I went running into the study holding all 6 pee sticks and was freaking out with excitement. Of course, Clayton was extremely grossed out and could not get past the fact that I dug the tests out of the trash and was holding them. HA!

The next morning, I went in for blood work at my fertility clinic. My Doctor told me that my levels needed to double within 48 hours in order to begin an intense hormone therapy regimen.  48 hours go by and my Doctor called me a little before 7 am. I was sleeping when he called me so I very sleepily said, "hello?" The very first words out of his mouth were, "Mrs. Meyer, you are not pregnant. Your lab results were 0, no trace of any pregnancy hormone. Please come in as soon as you can get dressed."

I sat up in bed, in utter shock. All I could think was, "how do I have 6 positive tests, but yet my blood work is negative??"  I hurriedly got dressed and took off for the clinic, with my son in tow.  My Doctor took more blood from my arm for additional labs he wanted to run and while I was sitting in the exam room, he explained that I had already lost the baby. He assured me that there was no longer a baby and while he said he was hoping for a better outcome, it would be so rare for someone with my diagnosis to have a positive pregnancy so quickly.  I left his office, and once again, sat in my car in the parking lot, trying to gather my emotions.

As I sat there, "4th miscarriage" was echoing all over my heart and mind.  I didn't know how I would be able to endure a 4th, but rather than lose control of my emotions, I immediately bowed my head and prayed for God's peace. I asked Him to help me be a good Mama to my precious son who was in my rear view mirror.  As I continued to open my heart up, I told God that I was at peace with His will and that I wanted His plans, more than anything I could come up with on my own.  My heart was so genuine as I shared this with God.

I could not have said this earlier in my infertility/miscarriage season. My heart was finally able to lower our guard completely down and allow God access to not only my entire heart, but also my entire life. I truly wanted His best, His future for me, not mine.  I had never in my life experienced such amazing peace as I did in that parking lot that day. The more I gave God access to, the more peace I experienced. I drove away from that fertility clinic with no tears, just a calm assurance from God, that He had me right where He wanted me.

I drove home and laid on my bed, just waiting for the migraine to set in. With the previous 3 miscarriages, I would get a 15-19 day migraine as soon as my body would pass the baby.  As I was laying down, I was still at complete peace. My phone rang and I noticed it was my fertility Doctor calling.  I am not going to lie, I was hesitant to answer it. I just did not know if I could bear any additional bad news. I was finally at peace, I did not want to add anything that might send me into another emotional tailspin.

My curiosity quickly became greater than my fear, so I answered the phone. It was my Doctor and the first words he said to me were, "Mrs. Meyer, I need you to sit down and promise me something. I need you to promise me that you will not ask questions once I give you my news. There was a long pause and he said, Mrs Meyer, you ARE pregnant. I have been doing this 30+ years, and I have never once seen anything like this. Your levels were at zero, but now, they are more than doubled what they should be at this point. I can not explain how this is possible. There is no medical explanation."

I was now sitting on the edge of my bed and as I listened to my Doctor speak, I felt the presence of God in my bedroom as I was receiving the most amazing news of my life. The baby that I was told I had lost to miscarriage, was alive and thriving!  I still get teary when I remember the extreme gratitude and sheer joy that overcame my body. I hung up my phone and literally fell to my knees on the floor, crying and praising God for this unbelievable news.

To this day, I firmly believe that as I sat in that parking lot giving God complete control over my life, my womb and my future, that He gave me my daughter back.

My belly grew and grew over the next few months and our baby that had less than a 20% of survival, was 100% healthy and beautiful when she came flying out like a ninja, 8 months later. My first night holding my daughter in my arms, I rocked her and tried to memorize every tiny detail of her precious face. As I held her tight, I could not control the sobs that erupted from my body as I held her and stared at her.  I was so eternally grateful that God heard my prayers, He knew and understood every single tear I had shed after every single miscarriage and He so lovingly answered my heartache with my precious, blue eyed beauty.  As I write these words, tears are falling, because I am still in such awe that God so graciously and miraculously gave Clayton and I our daughter. When I look at my blue eyed beauty, I am consistently reminded of Gods goodness and that He knew and understood every ounce of pain I had, in the season of waiting for her. I am so, so glad I chose to trust Him when He was asking me to put my fears aside and try just one more time, after miscarriage #3.

Now, as I share these details with you, especially if you are struggling with infertility and wish you could have an ending like mine, if you gain nothing else after reading this, please hear me. A baby will not bring you peace.

Only God can bring you peace in the midst of the waiting, and in the midst of the grief after a miscarriage.

I can promise you this, if you seek God with all your heart during your season of waiting and grief, you will find peace. Your ending may not be what you think you want, but it will be what He wants for you and that my friend is the best ending ever! He makes no mistakes and always knows what is best.  Be patient as you wait. Trust God with your womb and your heart.  He can be trusted, because He is such a good, good Father!

If you haven't already, check out the Bible App reading plans and download my free 7 day miscarriage reading plan, "Walking through miscarriage with God."
~kim

ps. We still have 3 more miscarriages to cover, so be looking for part 3 soon.

Walking Through Miscarriage With God - Losing a child through miscarriage is devastating and lonely. All the excitement and joy you once had for the precious life inside of you is now instantly gone. It is crucial that these emotions are handled carefully and intentionally. No matter how long its been since your miscarriage, there is comfort and healing to be found when walking with God. Only God can give the peace and comfort needed in miscarriage.

How I walked through multiples miscarriages and infertility with God. (Part 1)

Miscarriage and infertility are topics that many are uncomfortable around. Some will go to great lengths to avoid talking to those who are struggling with infertility and/or miscarriage.   I however am not shy about this topic, because it is a topic that I am all too familiar with. 

When my husband Clayton and I decided to start a family, we had no idea that God was going to walk us through several years of infertility and many dark days after each miscarriage. But, before the dark days began, we had many, many happy ones! God so graciously blessed us with a son in 2010 and I had a normal, healthy pregnancy.  As soon as our son turned 1, we started trying for a second baby, because it had taken us almost a year to get pregnant with him.

It was at this point that my miscarriage season began and I had 3 miscarriages, back to back.  
As soon as my miscarriage season began, my relationship with God changed in every way possible. With every positive pregnancy test I had, I would hit my knees praying (more like begging) that God would allow us to keep the baby. And each time I lost another baby, I would lay on my bed sobbing for God. As I cried out to God, I would beg for Him to bring me His peace and hope, as I laid in bed during those extremely dark days. 

As soon as my body would pass the baby, a 15 - 19 day migraine would set in. A migraine that kept me hiding in a dark room, unable to do anything because the pain was so bad. During those miserably dark days, God did not leave me all alone, He was with me for every single moment of those days.

I submerged myself in the Bible, completely saturating myself in His Words.  Because I was crying out to God in a way I had never done before, He was answering me in ways I had never before experienced.  Now, I never audibly heard His voice, but I could hear His voice internally. There is NO denying that! 

After my third miscarriage, Clayton and I were referred to one of the best Fertility specialists in the OKC area.  I am not a quitter, but my fear of losing another baby was so paralyzing, that I was ready to throw the towel in.  I was terrified that trying to get pregnant again would be setting myself up to experience another traumatic loss and I didn't know if I could endure losing another baby.  After 3 miscarriages, I genuinely didn't think I was strong enough to endure a fourth.  

Rather than just saying NO, I took a quite a bit of time praying about our next step.  I prayed for God to give me courage to try for another baby. On the other hand, I sincerely felt like I was letting Clayton down, by allowing my fears to dictate my willingness to try for another baby.  The more time I spent with God, the clearer His instructions became to me.  God was asking me to have courage and make an appointment with the fertility specialist. Ultimately, He wanted me to trust in Him, because He is the God of miracles.

 As we walked into the fertility clinic, I had just the tiniest sliver of hope.  

After our first fertility appointment, I endured multiple tests, all of which were uncomfortable and painful. We waited a little over a week and then went back for all the test results. We went into the Doctors conference room, where we sat down and I nervously tried to prepare myself for the news we would be receiving. As soon as the Doctor entered the room, he sat down next to me and then quite frankly told me that I would be unable to conceive a second child. Just like that, no easing into this news, he just blurted it out with no compassion or tenderness.

Nothing could really prepare you for news like that. I actually tried before that particular appointment, to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, because that is what I do. I always try and prep myself with the worst possible outcome, so in case it does happen, I am not surprised.  So, when I actually did hear the devastating diagnosis "unable to conceive," I was speechless while feeling a sense of devastation I had never felt before.  I rushed out of that conference room as quickly as I could. Once I got to my car, I strapped my son into his car seat and then had an emotional meltdown in the parking lot. 

It felt like someone had punched me in my stomach and knocked the wind right out of me, leaving me unable to breathe.  I can still feel those hot tears as they poured down my face.  I sat in my car rocking back and forth, telling myself, "breathe, just breathe" over and over as this devastation sank farther and farther into my heart.  As I sat there, I could feel a part of my heart slipping away, while that tiny sliver of hope I had at the beginning, was now smashed into a million pieces.

Once my breathing was under control, I turned my radio to K-Love and then began sobbing, while pouring my heart out to God.  I was so confused. Why did He ask me to trust Him and go through all those fertility tests and appointments, just to have my heart completely crushed?  As I sat in my car, I asked God to help me trust Him and to overwhelm me with His peace and comfort.  

Over the next week, I continued to pour my heart out to God. I surrounded myself with worship music and spent hours in the Bible. During that emotional week, God continued to ask me to trust Him and was firmly nudging me to call my fertility Doctor, to ask that he help us try one more time for a baby. This request sounded absolutely crazy to me, considering all the details that went along with my particular diagnosis. It also sounded completely crazy to my fertility Doctor! 

I went ahead and made another appointment with my Doctor and as I sat in the exam room, we talked openly about what I was asking. I explained to him that I felt like we needed to try one more time, before we officially gave up.  Of course, he made it crystal clear that this was such a long shot and it would not end with happy tears.  But, he reluctantly agreed with one condition. I had to promise him that I would not put the blame on him if I lost another baby to miscarriage. I agreed to his terms and while we were shaking hands on the promise, he looked me squarely in my eyes and promised that he would do everything and anything he could think of, to increase my chances of a successful pregnancy. 

To be continued.... I will be sharing more of my infertility/miscarriage story over the next few weeks.

If you are currently in a season of miscarriage and/or infertility, please know that you can trust God with your heart. Give Him the pain and heartache in your life, He can handle it!  He is so good, especially when we do not understand why we have to experience heartache and loss. 
Download my free miscarriage reading plan, "Walking through miscarriage with God" on the Bible App (its completely free)!
Walking Through Miscarriage With God - Losing a child through miscarriage is devastating and lonely. All the excitement and joy you once had for the precious life inside of you is now instantly gone. It is crucial that these emotions are handled carefully and intentionally. No matter how long its been since your miscarriage, there is comfort and healing to be found when walking with God. Only God can give the peace and comfort needed in miscarriage.

You are NOT alone as you walk through your own difficult season.  God's peace is available to you and I can promise you, nothing will ever compare to the peace God gives to us when we are hurting and grieving. We simply have to ask for it! 

A 7 day reading plan (free)

Adopting Haitian Brothers: Answered Prayer.

We received an awesome answered prayer this morning. Please read our most recent blog post to hear how God is working in our adoption. We are so, so excited to bring our 3 boys home from Haiti and God is using so many of you to help our family!



Adopting Haitian Brothers: Answered Prayer.: THANK YOU, THANK YOU for praying this past week!  God has answered our prayers in a mighty way.   The Haitian Children's Judge signed ...

Adopting Haitian Brothers: January- A month of waiting...

Here is our most recent adoption blog update.





Adopting Haitian Brothers: January- A month of waiting...: We wanted to say, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to those who have been donating and sharing our adoption journey on social media. We are so apprecia...

Adopting Haitian Brothers: Year End Donation

Please consider making a year end, tax deductible donation towards our #littlemenmeyer adoption fund. We are so grateful for every single donation.  Please share!



Adopting Haitian Brothers: Year End Donation: Looking to make a year end, tax deductible donation? Please consider helping our family as we pursue our 3 boys, our #littlemenmeyer. We cur...