After my fertility Doctor and I shook hands, I went home and waited for ovulation to begin in 2 weeks...
Low and behold, 3 weeks later I just knew I was pregnant. I knew within days of conception, which is kinda odd and probably hard to believe, but I promise you, I KNEW! I went to Target and bought several home pregnancy tests, but each test I did said negative. So, I would buy another test and wait for the next morning so I could take another test. This insanity continued for 6 days. I was driving Clayton nuts each time I would ask him to look and see if he saw the tiniest hint of a second line on the pee stick.. Neither of us could see a second line on any of the tests, all 6 tests were negative.
It was July 6th, and I had just put our son to bed and I was standing in our office just complaining to Clayton that I just KNEW I was pregnant but all the tests continued to say negative... He just looked at me kinda like the dude from the Youtube video (Its not about the nail) and I told him to stop it, because I KNEW I was pregnant. He continued to look at me like that dude... (hilarious video if you haven't seen it yet.)
I then marched off to the bathroom and on the way there, God said to me, "Dude, check the trashcan." So I did. I pulled out every single negative pee stick, all 6 of them and laid them out on the counter on a towel. My eyes bugged out of my head and I went absolutely nuts. Every single test had changed to positive! All 6 tests were positive. I went running into the study holding all 6 pee sticks and was freaking out with excitement. Of course, Clayton was extremely grossed out and could not get past the fact that I dug the tests out of the trash and was holding them. HA!
The next morning, I went in for blood work at my fertility clinic. My Doctor told me that my levels needed to double within 48 hours in order to begin an intense hormone therapy regimen. 48 hours go by and my Doctor called me a little before 7 am. I was sleeping when he called me so I very sleepily said, "hello?" The very first words out of his mouth were, "Mrs. Meyer, you are not pregnant. Your lab results were 0, no trace of any pregnancy hormone. Please come in as soon as you can get dressed."
I sat up in bed, in utter shock. All I could think was, "how do I have 6 positive tests, but yet my blood work is negative??" I hurriedly got dressed and took off for the clinic, with my son in tow. My Doctor took more blood from my arm for additional labs he wanted to run and while I was sitting in the exam room, he explained that I had already lost the baby. He assured me that there was no longer a baby and while he said he was hoping for a better outcome, it would be so rare for someone with my diagnosis to have a positive pregnancy so quickly. I left his office, and once again, sat in my car in the parking lot, trying to gather my emotions.
As I sat there, "4th miscarriage" was echoing all over my heart and mind. I didn't know how I would be able to endure a 4th, but rather than lose control of my emotions, I immediately bowed my head and prayed for God's peace. I asked Him to help me be a good Mama to my precious son who was in my rear view mirror. As I continued to open my heart up, I told God that I was at peace with His will and that I wanted His plans, more than anything I could come up with on my own. My heart was so genuine as I shared this with God.
I could not have said this earlier in my infertility/miscarriage season. My heart was finally able to lower our guard completely down and allow God access to not only my entire heart, but also my entire life. I truly wanted His best, His future for me, not mine. I had never in my life experienced such amazing peace as I did in that parking lot that day. The more I gave God access to, the more peace I experienced. I drove away from that fertility clinic with no tears, just a calm assurance from God, that He had me right where He wanted me.
I drove home and laid on my bed, just waiting for the migraine to set in. With the previous 3 miscarriages, I would get a 15-19 day migraine as soon as my body would pass the baby. As I was laying down, I was still at complete peace. My phone rang and I noticed it was my fertility Doctor calling. I am not going to lie, I was hesitant to answer it. I just did not know if I could bear any additional bad news. I was finally at peace, I did not want to add anything that might send me into another emotional tailspin.
My curiosity quickly became greater than my fear, so I answered the phone. It was my Doctor and the first words he said to me were, "Mrs. Meyer, I need you to sit down and promise me something. I need you to promise me that you will not ask questions once I give you my news. There was a long pause and he said, Mrs Meyer, you ARE pregnant. I have been doing this 30+ years, and I have never once seen anything like this. Your levels were at zero, but now, they are more than doubled what they should be at this point. I can not explain how this is possible. There is no medical explanation."
I was now sitting on the edge of my bed and as I listened to my Doctor speak, I felt the presence of God in my bedroom as I was receiving the most amazing news of my life. The baby that I was told I had lost to miscarriage, was alive and thriving! I still get teary when I remember the extreme gratitude and sheer joy that overcame my body. I hung up my phone and literally fell to my knees on the floor, crying and praising God for this unbelievable news.
To this day, I firmly believe that as I sat in that parking lot giving God complete control over my life, my womb and my future, that He gave me my daughter back.
My belly grew and grew over the next few months and our baby that had less than a 20% of survival, was 100% healthy and beautiful when she came flying out like a ninja, 8 months later. My first night holding my daughter in my arms, I rocked her and tried to memorize every tiny detail of her precious face. As I held her tight, I could not control the sobs that erupted from my body as I held her and stared at her. I was so eternally grateful that God heard my prayers, He knew and understood every single tear I had shed after every single miscarriage and He so lovingly answered my heartache with my precious, blue eyed beauty. As I write these words, tears are falling, because I am still in such awe that God so graciously and miraculously gave Clayton and I our daughter. When I look at my blue eyed beauty, I am consistently reminded of Gods goodness and that He knew and understood every ounce of pain I had, in the season of waiting for her. I am so, so glad I chose to trust Him when He was asking me to put my fears aside and try just one more time, after miscarriage #3.
Now, as I share these details with you, especially if you are struggling with infertility and wish you could have an ending like mine, if you gain nothing else after reading this, please hear me. A baby will not bring you peace.
I can promise you this, if you seek God with all your heart during your season of waiting and grief, you will find peace. Your ending may not be what you think you want, but it will be what He wants for you and that my friend is the best ending ever! He makes no mistakes and always knows what is best. Be patient as you wait. Trust God with your womb and your heart. He can be trusted, because He is such a good, good Father!
If you haven't already, check out the Bible App reading plans and download my free 7 day miscarriage reading plan, "Walking through miscarriage with God."
ps. We still have 3 more miscarriages to cover, so be looking for part 3 soon.
Walking Through Miscarriage With God - Losing a child through miscarriage is devastating and lonely. All the excitement and joy you once had for the precious life inside of you is now instantly gone. It is crucial that these emotions are handled carefully and intentionally. No matter how long its been since your miscarriage, there is comfort and healing to be found when walking with God. Only God can give the peace and comfort needed in miscarriage.